My FB life

Saturday, 8 January 2011 at 18:06 UTC

overheard on a train: *my gay mate phones me up and asks me “are you gay yet? No? Thats a shame! How are you anyway*?”

Tuesday, 7 June 2011 at 19:30 UTC+01

theres machine gun fire outside. really.

Thursday, 16 June 2011 at 17:20 UTC+01

And for my next gig … I’m a birthday present.

Thursday, 16 June 2011 at 17:20 UTC+01

Wondering what a birthday present should wear.

Sunday, 5 February 2012 at 22:19 UTC

Paul McCartney’s new album is called “Kisses on the bottom”. Too much information if you ask me.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012 at 19:51 UTC

Don’t you just hate it when you accidentally lean your elbow on your track pad and it clicks on something random for you. Normally the Buy Now button.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012 at 15:44 UTC+01

When given an honour, why do people say it’s humbling, when what they really mean is that they are bursting with pride?

Friday, 27 July 2012 at 00:09 UTC+01

Had a bet about the words of California, by Joni Mitchell. Won. Which leaves me with this question: what is a sunset pig?

Friday, 3 August 2012 at 21:32 UTC+01

Booked rooms in a French hotel called Best Hotel. Arrived, and it’s now called Bost Hotel. Changed chains, apparently. I feel Bost Hetol would have been more imaginative. Feel slightly and unaccountably ripped off.

Sunday, 12 August 2012 at 22:42 UTC+01

Is it even legal to be Russell Brand?

Sunday, 12 August 2012 at 22:43 UTC+01

Is that Fatboy Slim? His DJ table looks a bit wobbly.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012 at 19:35 UTC+01

In the future it will considered perfectly normal to have a string quartet broadcast from four helicopters. #mittwoch

Sunday, 2 September 2012 at 22:40 UTC+01

Attended very strange closing event at Piccadilly Circus Circus, this evening. People with wings all in white flying on wires high above the crowd, and dispensing feathers from suitcases. Eventually they had filled the whole of Piccadilly Circus with feathers maybe 12 inches deep. Strange and wonderful. Got home, feathers everywhere.

Thursday, 22 November 2012 at 22:34 UTC

Dear FGW and TFL. Your train announcements are literally impossible to obey: “Use all the doors when boarding the train.” I can only use one. “Use all available space inside the train.” I am not large enough. “Remember to take all of your possessions with you when you leave the train.” But I’ve only got some of my possessions with me. Thank you. Jeremy Kahn

Saturday, 1 December 2012 at 18:12 UTC

Firing up my old Dell computer, running Windows Vista. It’s like a trip to the dark ages.

Sunday, 16 December 2012 at 21:00 UTC

In Maidenhead this morning was a van marked dial-a-dogwash. Inside the van was a dog bath. And guess what you got today? Free Dog Cologne. This is a new concept to me. Dog Cologne. Do they put it behind their ears? Wouldn’t be more relevant to invent dog deodorant? So many questions.

Monday, 24 December 2012 at 19:45 UTC

Dear America, please don’t deport @piersmorgan. 1, you can’t deport someone for an opinion. 2, he’s right. 3, WE DON’T WANT HIM BACK.

Friday, 18 January 2013 at 07:39 UTC

Dear Lance Armstrong. Fuck off. That is all.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013 at 17:52 UTC

Train announcer just advised passengers to elope from the front door of coach B. Not today thanks.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013 at 00:24 UTC

Blues factoid: “While in England Sonny Boy [Williamson] set his hotel room on fire while trying to cook a rabbit in a coffee percolator.” The mind boggles.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013 at 07:49 UTC

1513 in favour, 3 against. Close run thing. #falklands

Friday, 12 April 2013 at 18:57 UTC+01

Yeah, Yuri Gagarin. I had a badge with his picture on, from the proper Soviet Union, given to me by Judith Kahn’s friend, Patsy, whose parents were both proper Communist party members. Back then when we knew what the world was about.

Friday, 12 April 2013 at 20:09 UTC+01

Arghhh. In my mind KATE BUSH IS 19. HOW CAN SHE BE 54? This has GOT TO STOP HAPPENING.

Saturday, 13 April 2013 at 06:32 UTC+01

Jeremy Kahn changed his Quotations.

Twelve is the magic number: Steve Reich

My philosophy: No pain…good!

Holding on to anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die: Dalai Lama

Saturday, 13 April 2013 at 12:21 UTC+01

Kenny Werner said something about practice is about eliminating ignorance. I say that learning music is like picking at a thread on a woollen sweater. You give a little pull on it and you get 500 yards of material to put back together. This little exercise I decided to do turns out to have 720 items if I want to learn it properly. That’s a lot of ignorance to eliminate.

Monday, 15 April 2013 at 19:42 UTC+01

£8M for MT’s funeral is a complete waste of money. In 1965 my father forced me to watch Winston Churchill’s funeral on TV, saying I would never see anything like it again. I should fucking hope not. It was excruciatingly boring, with Richard Dimbleby droning on and on. And my father was wrong (not for the first time), it is happening again. He would have been horrified that they are doing this for MT. No-one is worth such a fuss. It’s not as if Nicholas Parsons has died or something.

Thursday, 18 April 2013 at 15:10 UTC+01

Looking up “essay“ on Google voice search, it chose ”s.a.” First up, What is sexaholics anonymous?

Monday, 13 May 2013 at 21:55 UTC+01

Haha. Just noticed this little piece of sarcasm from Apple. A PC on the network has a blue screen by default.

Monday, 13 May 2013 at 22:23 UTC+01

‘Prison was a “humbling and sobering experience”, ex-cabinet minister Chris Huhne has said after his release.’ THIS IS THE CORRECT USE of the term ‘humbling’. Going to prison is humbling. Winning an AWARD IS NOT HUMBLING. IT’S FLATTERING. You MAY SAY “I AM FLATTERED by this award”. Don’t let me hear this “humbled” shit any more. OK?

Friday, 17 May 2013 at 21:57 UTC+01

An old family story from sometime in the mid–19th century concerning my Greatⁿ Grandmother and her granddaughter, introducing her boyfriend.

GRANDDAUGHTER: Grandmother, this is Mr Sauerkraut.


GRANDDAUGHTER: This is Mr Sauerkraut.



GRANDMOTHER: Sorry, I keep on hearing Sauerkraut.

Today at 06:35, Anna asked if I will be here tonight.

ME: Yes, why?

A: I might bring home some pea shoots

ME: Pardon?

A: I might bring home some pea shoots

ME: What did you say?

A: I might bring home some PEA SHOOTS

ME: I keep on hearing pea shoots.

A: YES. They are LEAVES and they taste like PEAS.

I got the impression that they were like peas, not actually peas. But no. You learn a new thing every day. PS Delicious. PPS Best without dressing (or maybe a drop of oil).

Saturday, 6 July 2013 at 16:46 UTC+01

It’s OK now. “All that I can see is just another lemon tree.” Not lavatory.

Thursday, 18 July 2013 at 19:12 UTC+01

In other news, our funny names department reports: “Mr Lady was reportedly arrested near Panama’s border with Costa Rica.”

Friday, 23 August 2013 at 17:00 UTC+01

“Shares in Microsoft jump 9% after the software giant announces that chief executive Steve Ballmer will retire within the next 12 months.” That vote of confidence will surely make him feel good.

Sunday, 25 August 2013 at 22:34 UTC+01

Great quote from Joe Pass in this video “I don’t bother with theory because it confuses me.”

Friday, 30 August 2013 at 19:14 UTC+01

Just started reading The Pale King, by David Foster Wallace, recommended to me and lent to me by Anna Kahn. It is indeed a stunning work.

Saturday, 31 August 2013 at 10:44 UTC+01

If the Surrender Monkeys are now USA’s BFFs, does this mean we get to eat all the cheese?

Saturday, 7 September 2013 at 16:19 UTC+01

Tony Abbott has Tony Blair’s ears. What does this signify?

Sunday, 8 September 2013 at 12:39 UTC+01

This is worth a revisit. Jim Mullen is such a wise man. “… going to the fast place all the time. It’s like he’s terrified of playing a long note.”

Wednesday, 18 September 2013 at 11:17 UTC+01

I tried following some UK politicians on twitter. Those that tweeted anything at all were SO BORING that I had to immediately unfollow them OR DIE.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013 at 20:04 UTC+01

For anyone who knows a bit of Yiddish, here’s something surprising that I learned today: “Traces [of Latin] remain in the contemporary Yiddish vocabulary: for example, בענטשן (bentshn, to bless), from the Latin benedicere; לייענען (leyenen, to read), from the Latin legere …”

Thursday, 19 September 2013 at 13:39 UTC+01

That special moment on the tube when someone is talking too loud on their phone as the train goes into a tunnel.

Saturday, 21 September 2013 at 18:49 UTC+01

Overheard in street. Lady talking on mobile. “Is that Brenda? … Did I call you?”

Sunday, 22 September 2013 at 22:31 UTC+01

I love how Anna Kahn spent the whole weekend with me, and as soon as she gets home to Leyton she’s ready and waiting for us to yell at each other on Facebook about videos of dogs.

Friday, 27 September 2013 at 15:36 UTC+01

Got this fabulously petulant comment on my post about Richard Shindell’s Reunion Hill: “… Have you any songs of your own that we Shindellians might pare? I thought not.”

Saturday, 28 September 2013 at 20:19 UTC+01

Anna Kahn suggested I read The Pale King by David Foster Wallace. She said its the best book she has ever read. And it’s about people working in the IRS. Really. I just read an entire chapter where characters talk about the internal operation of the tax system. And it was amazing. How does he do this?

Saturday, 12 October 2013 at 22:55 UTC+01

Managed a good 10 minutes of The Stones before nausea set in. “I’m still doing the same thing, more or less. In some of the same clothes.” Says it all really.

Friday, 25 October 2013 at 10:25 UTC+01

“When the man is loading the dishwasher and the woman must come over because he is loading it wrong, it is called the dishwasher position.” Do they have a hidden camera in our kitchen?

Friday, 8 November 2013 at 00:45 UTC

Noooo! How can Joni Mitchell be 70?

Friday, 29 November 2013 at 17:23 UTC

Sometimes working chord stuff out for the guitar is like a crossword puzzle, only there’s no solution on page 72 and it can take years to work out the answer.

Sunday, 15 December 2013 at 22:07 UTC

Dear Brain, the panto is OVER. So now can I PLEASE stop bursting out in public with songs by Carly Rae Jepsen, One Direction and Olly Murs. And FFS please can we leave out the Itsy Witsy Teeny Weeny song.

Sunday, 15 December 2013 at 22:25 UTC

I’m thinking about writing a short story where an actor suddenly gains total confidence playing the role of Widow Twankee, and when the panto is over, finds that he can’t stop being the Dame.

Friday, 20 December 2013 at 11:28 UTC

Is it legal to wear a bright orangey yellow onesie with a horse’s head hood in public in daylight in Bourne End, if you aren’t collecting for charity?

Friday, 20 December 2013 at 13:41 UTC

Anna Kahn has always said I look frightening. Maybe I used to, but I thought it had probably faded with time. Until just now, when I was hassled by some youths – one of them shouting at me, from behind, the label of my boots. This happened once before, and when I turned and looked, the guy who had shouted denied it was him, walked away. This time I turned, there were four lads, but I knew which one it was. I was holding my phone. He said, what are you doing? I looked for a while, then walked off. He shouted again and this time I turned and walked towards them. All four of them ran off. Me, a 59 year old geezer, scaring off four 15 year old lads. Pathetic.

Saturday, 21 December 2013 at 11:51 UTC

Gosh. I’ve just hand-written a four-page letter. On A4! That’s more handwriting that I’ve done since nineteen-canteen. Now all I need is a stamp. The recipient of the letter will know who they are. Because they are the only person who has hand-written a letter to me in ages.

Sunday, 19 January 2014 at 21:01 UTC

There’s a man talking on a phone in the bar of this Travelodge. After 5 minutes of trying to identify the guttural language he is speaking I have realised with a shock that it is English with a broad Glasgow accent. More f-words that Peter Capaldi. That, and ‘och’ are the only words I can decipher. A side benefit is that I now know how to spell guttural.

Saturday, 25 January 2014 at 17:50 UTC

Two victories today. On the train on the way in to London a woman was suffering with a dripping, runny nose. I gave her a hanky. She was so grateful that I felt almost saintly. On the way back a bloke left his empty Red Bull can on the table and went to get off the train. I said “here, Mate, you’ve forgotten this” and handed it to him. He looked really pissed off.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014 at 17:05 UTC

I’m walking in a crowded street and I hear a voice quite close to my ear say “Hello Jeremy”. I whip round, but the man who spoke just walks on. Then I see that he is speaking into a phone.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014 at 17:09 UTC

Also, in a waiting room at Perivale, two girls and a boy in school uniform are swearing and talking loudly about sex. Then the boy belches loudly. He catches my eye, looks so embarrassed that I have to smile. Bless.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014 at 00:00 UTC

You know when you go to click the trackpad and you’re not looking and it won’t click and you then realise you’re trying to click the table? That.

Friday, 7 February 2014 at 14:11 UTC

Can a dog be British? Discuss

Saturday, 8 February 2014 at 14:50 UTC

This tube train is crowded and on the seat next to me is a used moist wipe. No-one will move it so they can sit down.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014 at 15:06 UTC

Two women have pulled out notebooks full of strange symbols, and are now rhythmically chanting some interesting sounding syllables in a monotone. More exciting that the normal distraction. I have no idea what they are doing.

Monday, 24 February 2014 at 09:46 UTC

Got the Yellow Pages through the door. Which century is this again?

Tuesday, 25 February 2014 at 17:47 UTC

Peeps, I’m moving my phone to another provider and it’s taking longer than expected, so if you can’t get me on my normal number, call 07546856057 with those offers of gigs, employment or fabulous nights out.

Thursday, 27 February 2014 at 19:03 UTC

Ha. Someone tried to break into my WordPress account today. I wonder who that might be?

Saturday, 1 March 2014 at 14:37 UTC

As the kitchen is full of smoke, I think I can now safely stop grilling these aubergines. Irit Kahn nearly died when she cleaned the houmous out of the blender (of pleasure, that is). This may be the best birthday present ever … even if it is 11 months overdue.

Thursday, 6 March 2014 at 15:06 UTC

I blow my nose. The little girl at the next table bursts out laughing.

Monday, 10 March 2014 at 17:37 UTC

Eddie Mair: “Where do you stand on dog poo?” Priceless.

Saturday, 15 March 2014 at 13:57 UTC

Two preppy kids on the train spend at least 5 minutes discussing the revelation that there are 2 Os in opossum.

Saturday, 15 March 2014 at 19:25 UTC

In this waiting room there’s a woman wearing a floor length gown. It is fabulous but she is sitting down and it is TRAILING ON THE FLOOR

Sunday, 30 March 2014 at 17:50 UTC+01

Leaning on the parapet at Southbank centre, sending a text message. I hear a woman’s voice saying “Oh my God, it’s my father!” I look up to observe the happy meeting, and see Anna Kahn standing about 2 meters away.

Monday, 31 March 2014 at 00:28 UTC+01

Oh, another thing that happened. Sitting at a table at a cafe outside the RFH I got the distinct feeling that I was seeing double, like my eyes had suddenly crossed for no good reason. But it turned out to be two women who were almost identical, probably mother and daughter.

Monday, 31 March 2014 at 15:31 UTC+01

Sting is singing something about de doo doo doo, de daa daa daa and there’s a grandmother with her granddaughter (about 2) dancing in their seats.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014 at 19:35 UTC+01

Today I learned that it’s not easy to take a photograph of a bumble bee. And I realised that anyone watching would think that I had gone mad.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014 at 19:31 UTC+01

The best thing about our new microwave is that it when it is finished it doesn’t say “ENJOY YOUR FOOD” .

Thursday, 17 April 2014 at 19:58 UTC+01

Today three mallards flew up out of the river and directly towards my head. Giving a new insight into the term duck.

Friday, 18 April 2014 at 11:41 UTC+01

There are people here passing around ANALOGUE PHOTOGRAPHS!

Sunday, 20 April 2014 at 10:30 UTC+01

Walking in Bourne End with Anna Kahn we see a person carrying a giant hot pink cock and balls made of helium balloons, blowing about in the gale force wind. On second inspection it turns out to be the number 18.

Sunday, 20 April 2014 at 13:58 UTC+01

My expert has explained to me that practice/practise works like advice/advise. Thank you. I am 59. WHY DID NO-ONE TELL ME BEFORE?

Monday, 28 April 2014 at 14:52 UTC+01

Words that I will never learn to spell #94: prerogative.

Sunday, 4 May 2014 at 00:17 UTC+01

There was a person on the train today playing a driving game on their mobile. It seemed to involve pulling out to overtake and then pulling back in. Now I wouldn’t be surprised to see someone on the train playing a game on their mobile that involves being on at train, playing a game with your mobile.

Sunday, 4 May 2014 at 17:05 UTC+01

At the level crossing in Cookham, a little boy is waving furiously as the train goes past. The driver waves back. This makes me inordinately happy.

Monday, 12 May 2014 at 17:49 UTC+01

In the queue two women are choosing what to eat. One of them says I should go ahead as they’d probably take ages deciding. I heard myself muttering the word probably in agreement. They bristled. “We’re members here,” one said, half humorously. Note to self: never agree with self-deprecating humour. And don’t mutter.

Thursday, 15 May 2014 at 12:26 UTC+01

Three women have come to sit at the table next to mine. Smells like they have been involved in an accident with a perfume tanker.

Friday, 16 May 2014 at 00:18 UTC+01

I like to think that I know American English, and that I can speak/write it if I need to. But ouster? What kind of word is that?

Tuesday, 20 May 2014 at 16:43 UTC+01

I’m surrounded by mayflies copulating like there’s no tomorrow. Oh, wait…

Thursday, 22 May 2014 at 10:13 UTC+01

Voting … the only time when when I’m in the bottom ten percentile of age.

Monday, 9 June 2014 at 17:55 UTC+01

It’s just started raining and making that green smell that summer rain makes when it’s been muggy. My phone doesn’t have a Smellogram app so you’ll have to use your imagination.

Monday, 9 June 2014 at 21:03 UTC+01

At the gig last night, the bass player gave me a look that meant a particular standard ending which we then played. It’s the closest thing to telepathy that there is apart from telepathy.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014 at 14:45 UTC+01

Message on my website comment form: “Please I am interested to have a lie dictator with my husband.”

Sunday, 15 June 2014 at 14:20 UTC+01

He’s wearing a tie, on a Sunday. Old school or regimental or something. A hound’s tooth jacket, white trousers and those brown shoes with holes in. He’s clutching a carrier bag from an antique fair. She’s reading the Spectator out loud to him, something about a hotel room, and he’s pretending to listen. He doesn’t smile. Maybe being on the tube is beneath his dignity. His uniform is so obvious. I wonder what he thinks of everyone else. It’s odd but I feel sorry for him. It’s probably the tie. Symbol of the noose.

Friday, 20 June 2014 at 17:43 UTC+01

A few days ago I had a revelation while cleaning my teeth. Mandolins are tuned in 5ths so mandolin chords are just upside down guitar chords. Yesterday Stu told me that he had exactly the same revelation. Probably at the same moment. Nothing will ever be the same.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014 at 17:42 UTC+01

ARGHHHHHHH …. a bird just flew in the door, around the room and then out again. I screamed.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014 at 18:06 UTC+01

This bird thing reminds me of a story Jim told me. Kit (his son) told him that there was a bat in his bedroom. Jim and Janet (his wife) went into the room to look and THE BAT LANDED ON HER HEAD. Calmly, she said “I am now going to walk into the small bedroom so that at least we can get the bat out of Kit’s room”. Subsequently Jim managed to get the bat out using a bin and something to cover it with. Janet was awarded the Nobel Prize for Bat Bravery. Well, she should have been, anyway.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014 at 23:55 UTC+01


Saturday, 28 June 2014 at 13:42 UTC+01

English is a wonderful language: looking for a gender free equivalent of yes-man, my Thesaurus gives: Sycophant: toady, creep, crawler, fawner, flatterer, flunkey, truckler, groveller, doormat, lickspittle, kowtower, obsequious person, minion, hanger-on, leech, puppet, spaniel, Uriah Heep, bootlicker, yes-man, arse-licker, arse-kisser, brown-nose, suckhole.

Sunday, 29 June 2014 at 19:04 UTC+01

My American friends seem to be getting into Football, or “Soccer” as they so quaintly call it to distinguish it from American Football. What next? Rugger? Cricket?

Monday, 30 June 2014 at 21:38 UTC+01

I always get Lea DeLaria confused with Lana Del Ray.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014 at 23:47 UTC+01

Michael Gove gives me the creeps.

Friday, 18 July 2014 at 12:26 UTC+01

I tried to type “disinterested” but it got autocorrected to “disinfested”.

Monday, 1 September 2014 at 15:07 UTC+01

The man on the next table but one has just answered a call on his mobile. He’s not talking offensively loudly but he has just said “What can I do you for?”

Tuesday, 2 September 2014 at 13:10 UTC+01

Found this note I made a while ago: I dreamed that a friend and I are about to do a duo gig in some wood panelled hall, but we’re sitting in a side passage where the audience can’t see us. I say – if I’d known they couldn’t see us I wouldn’t have had this nose job. And the friend says – nose job? My God! What did it look like before?

Sunday, 14 September 2014 at 14:48 UTC+01

Reading through some old notes of ideas to write about. At the end of one I wrote “Zyx Qyzzij”. I have no idea why.

Monday, 15 September 2014 at 14:36 UTC+01

Dear USA. Please don’t refer to Barak Obama as BO. That is all.

Monday, 15 September 2014 at 14:39 UTC+01

In the dentist’s chair I am forced to watch Sky News with no sound. The headline is ‘Cameron to speak in favour of a No vote.’ Astounding.

Saturday, 20 September 2014 at 12:16 UTC+01

“I’ve got an idea, a proposal, a thought.” And the same old speech writer.

Saturday, 20 September 2014 at 12:20 UTC+01

They’re playing Positively Fourth Street in Costa. This pleases me.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014 at 17:44 UTC+01

Transcribing ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ for panto and the question in my mind is WHAT THE FUCK IS BRYAN MAY WEARING?

Thursday, 25 September 2014 at 17:21 UTC+01

I can’t spell embarass or beurocracy.

Saturday, 11 October 2014 at 15:07 UTC+01

I’m fairly sure that I just saw a man walk past the front of this Costa dressed in a full Superman costume.

Sunday, 12 October 2014 at 14:34 UTC+01

Drama at Costa in Camden. East European woman locked in toilet. 5 others trying to help her escape.

Sunday, 12 October 2014 at 14:34 UTC+01

Phew. She’s out.

Thursday, 16 October 2014 at 19:16 UTC+01

I’m trying to type autocorrect but autocorrect keeps changing it to skyrockets. And before that I was trying to type anybody but skyrockets changed it to Smirnoff. FML.

Thursday, 23 October 2014 at 16:10 UTC+01

From the jazz courses, about 1 million years ago. #1 in a series: A gang of us were sitting under a willow tree in the middle of the night listening to Kind Of Blue on a ghetto blaster. When All Blues came on, a group of the younger students sang along with Miles’ solo note for note. Afterwards the youngest and smallest of them asked who the artist was. Everyone fell about laughing. I felt sorry for him but hoped that he learned something as well as being humiliated.

Thursday, 23 October 2014 at 16:12 UTC+01

From the jazz courses, about 1 million years ago. #2 in a series: Helping out on bass on a jazz day school. On my right, 3 dads, playing expensive dad guitars and amplifiers. On my left three lads about 10 or 12 years old, two on sax and one on piano. The dads were seriously intimidated by the lads, who could actually play something coherent. In the afternoon the course leader came in to chat to the class.

LEADER: any questions?

SMALLEST LAD: (wearing curved soprano sax): How did you learn the sax?

LEADER: I learned classical saxophone at RNCM and then went to Berklee for a year to study jazz.

SMALLEST LAD: What was Berklee like?

LEADER: Well, if you imagine doing what we’re doing here today, but for a whole year, that’s what it was like.

SMALLEST LAD: Did you get a qualification at the end?


SMALLEST LAD (Under his breath): A year wasted then.

Monday, 10 November 2014 at 18:18 UTC

Guitar lesion? No thanks, Autocorrect.

Thursday, 13 November 2014 at 13:16 UTC

I started to read an article about the sense of smell as a language. Then the writer PARAPHRASED SHAKESPEARE. I will not link to it here. They wrote: “The thing we call a rose would smell just as sweet if we called it by any other name.” FFS

Tuesday, 18 November 2014 at 15:02 UTC

When you misspell a word so badly that you can’t work out how to correct it. E.g. “thgougth”.

Monday, 24 November 2014 at 23:05 UTC

Driving home from Cambridge last night in the frost, I noticed that there was a snail on the bonnet (hood for my American friends) of my car. It sat there as I drove at 70 mph down the A1, round the St Albans bypass and along the M25. Sometimes it had its head down and sometimes it looked up with its little antennae flapping in the wind and its mouth open. It was still there when I got home. But this morning it was gone. I hope it likes its new home by the river.

Monday, 22 December 2014 at 17:37 UTC

Anna Kahn tells me that Simon Kahn’s instructions when grinding pepper into a dish are to “keep going until your hand hurts”. Since then, Simon and Michelle Kahn gave Irit Kahn an electric pepper grinder for her birthday. Following the original instructions now raises pepperiness to a new level.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 15:49 UTC

Anna is out at work and I have eaten ALL THE SPROUTS so she won’t have to.

Friday, 26 December 2014 at 23:40 UTC

I’ve been meaning to write this for several days. Central line carriages have windows of curved glass and if your head is in the right position your reflection looks as though you have an inverted identical twin joined to you at the top of the head. If you move a little you can make your head disappear and your body is now joined to the inverted body of your twin. You can also do this to the reflection of your neighbour on either side. Every time I ride on the Central line I mentally salute the comedian who designed these windows and made the journey so entertaining.

Saturday, 27 December 2014 at 12:23 UTC

Little boy in Costa comes back from the loo. “Daddy! Mummy did two loud farts in there!” Anna and I cannot keep straight faces.

Monday, 29 December 2014 at 15:56 UTC

Waiting on a corner. Two girls are lighting cigarettes next to me. I smell something strange. One had set the other’s hair alight.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014 at 15:03 UTC

G has arrived with some whoopee cushions. I have always known about these things but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen one before. He hid one on Jane’s seat and when she sat on it it made a loud farting sound (G calls it trumping). Seriously hilarious. I suppose you need a child of four to make these things funny.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014 at 11:03 UTC

I’m playing piano. G sneaks underneath and engages the practice pedal.

Saturday, 3 January 2015 at 10:18 UTC

It may have taken 45 years but I now realise that I have stopped thinking in Fahrenheit.

Monday, 5 January 2015 at 20:49 UTC

At Terminal 5 collecting the Irit. I like watching people arrive. Lost, blinking, they look like they’ve just woken from a deep sleep. Then there’s a family reunion which is moving to see. A taxi driver meets a very old lady and he is kind to her. So I really don’t mind that there’s a “Technical problem getting off plane”. I’ve got a cortado and somewhere to sit. My only criticism of T5 is the feedback machine outside the toilets asking me to touch a button to rate how clean the toilets are. TOUCH A BUTTON covered in other people’s excreta? ARE YOU MAD?

Monday, 5 January 2015 at 21:44 UTC

So when she finally arrived, I asked the Irit what the technical problem was. They couldn’t turn off the engines, or something, she said. Jeez, don’t they teach them ANYTHING in pilot school these days?

Monday, 5 January 2015 at 23:29 UTC

Also on the subject of T5, you can feed your parking ticket into a machine and it will tell you where your car is. This is spooky but also reassuring as I’m always a bit paranoid about this since the time I lost my car in a multi-story carpark and took about half an hour to find it.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015 at 14:29 UTC

The prize seat is this one in the corner. It has power. In the sense of power sockets, not ley lines. But more significantly you are protected on two sides. I asked a female friend about this, saying that I am far more comfortable sitting with my back to the wall. She said if you’re out with a man, you need to sit with your back to the room so he’ll have something to look at other than you. I guess also you are not trapped by the man. Life is so complicated. Someone a couple of tables away is leaving and they are packing their stuff up. Their mobile is still lying on the table. I start to worry that they will forget it and I will have to leap up and call after them and be embarrassed. At the last moment they take the phone. This is why you should always put your phone away first.

Tuesday, 6 January 2015 at 19:52 UTC

About 20 years ago one of the younger students on a jazz course gave me this piece of advice – practise difficult things slowly. Nothing is difficult if you play it slowly enough. I’m still learning that.

Thursday, 8 January 2015 at 15:45 UTC

At the end of the path along the side of the golf course there’s a gate leading to the parking lot. As I approach there’s a man with two huge dogs. He walks out of the gate and dumps something behind his car, all the time talking to the dogs, who are bounding about in the long grass. He comes back through the gate shouts at one of the dogs who has just done a dump. “I told you to go before but you had to wait until I’d been back to the car.” He looks over to me, saying “They never listen.” “That’s dogs for you,” I say, thinking They are dogs. They don’t speak English. He picks up the poo in a plastic bag and goes to drop the second bag behind the car. I’m wondering why he doesn’t just carry them with him like other people, until I get to the car and see that each bag contains at least a kilogram of poo.

Saturday, 10 January 2015 at 15:33 UTC

Life is complex. G just learned that you don’t use a pencil sharpener with a propelling pencil

Sunday, 11 January 2015 at 12:55 UTC

George is entertaining the people in Costa by giving a complete rendition of Thriller #FathersSon

Wednesday, 14 January 2015 at 14:25 UTC

Two mums with babies. One puts her baby on the floor and she immediately bum shuffles around the corner. Excuse me Madam, I think you just LOST YOUR BABY